Explain (Like I’m five) Bitcoin/Litecoin/Dogecoin to someone who’s been in cryogenic storage for the last seventy years.Posted: January 4, 2014
DISCLAIMER: APPARENTLY I HAVE BEEN RECEIVING A LOT OF COMPLAINTS BY PEOPLE WHO DID NOT REALIZE THAT THIS POST IS SATIRE. WELL NOW I HAVE TO PUT A GIANT DISCLAIMER UP. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE SOMEHOW INCOMPETENT AT READING OBVIOUS SUBTEXT, THIS POST IS SATIRE. IT IS A PARODY. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. AND NOW THAT I HAVE A GIANT DISCLAIMER IN THIS POST, IT IS NO LONGER FUNNY. THANKS FOR RUINING THE JOKE, JERK.<mortehu> Explain Dogecoin to someone who just woke up after a 70 year sleep.
So we have this box that runs on magic. Everyone has one. These boxes have levers on them. Depending on how you move these levers, different colourful lights can show up. Sometimes, these colourful lights will show up in meaningful patterns, like a pattern that looks like words, numbers, or even places and things in real life. Nowadays people use this box to do many useful things, because sometimes these patterns can tell us new things, or we can send these patterns to someone else’s box to tell them new things. Also, sometimes people can use this box in a way so that the patterns of lights look a young, nubile maiden, who will then tempt them into performing sinful acts against God. This is done in order to train them to better resist acts of temptation if it really happens, so that their soul will not go to Satan.
Then people realize that instead of paying each other with gold, we can pretend to put this gold in the box, and the box will have a number telling you how much gold you have. Then you can give this number to anyone, anywhere in the world instantly, instead of having to move heavy metal. But there is a problem. When people send a number to someone else, they are supposed to change their box-numbers to be less. If this does not happen, everyone can then just send numbers as many times as they want, and we cannot have that because that is Communism and all Communists must burn.
Some people try a solution where there is a leader box, and everyone obeys it. The leader-box is the one that tells each box what number they have. Then if you want to give another person their numbers, they tell the leader-box, and it will then say that the other person has more numbers, and you have less numbers. This works because everyone will believe the leader box.
But then people realize that this is bad because this is like fascism, and fascists are literally Hitler and must be destroyed. This method can allow the leader-box to make up numbers, giving all the numbers to itself. And even if leader-box didn’t, it can force people to give a percentage of their numbers to the leader box because that is the only way to send numbers.
So then a Japanese guy thought of a solution. No, he wasn’t killed on the spot.
We don’t kill Japs any more. Yes, that’s right, Grandpa. Wait, what? No, believe me — it’s not a trick to take over the world and force everyone into slavery.
Anyway, his idea was that if everyone’s box had the ability to check if the number is right or wrong, then there is no need for leader-box, since everyone could just know the correct number at all times. It does this because math does funny things. For instance, if you have a number, 239, you can easily check if 57121 is 239 multiplied by itself. But it’s very hard to know what two numbers multiply to give 57121. So some things have solutions which are easy to check, but very hard to find.
In this solution, then if someone gave a person a bad number, everyone would know that this number is bad, and then ignore him.
However, in order to make this work, you need people creating new numbers all the time. After all, if you send someone a few numbers, your total number changes to a new number. So we need someone using the box to find out what your new number should be in a way. These people are called miners, and in return for checking numbers and finding new numbers for everyone, they get some numbers of their own.
But one day, a miner did not like the numbers he was getting. He wanted more. So he tried to find a way to get more. He found that the box he used to check numbers and create numbers is not very good at it — there are better ways. This is because the box he used to check numbers are like good, hard-working, God-fearing white folk. They are smart and very good at doing things, but there are not many of them. Instead, we could use boxes powered by Negros, like what the founding fathers of this great country did.
Although black people are stupid, they breed like rats, so there are many of them. And although the negro is inferior to the white man, often times it is better to get many Negroes to do things rather than a few white people, because you can enslave them.
So the miner made negro-powered boxes called “ASICs”, which are good for basic repetitive tasks, because you can put many Negroes in your box, just like how you can contain many animals in a box. Because of this, many white-powered-boxes cannot compete, and many white folk lost their jobs. Our good whiteys got angry and decided that we should not use this method any more. Instead, they created a way to make and check numbers so that only a smart person could check it, so only good, white-power-boxes could check numbers, instead of negro-boxes. And they called this method “Litecoin”, because of our lighter skin.
Then some person thought it was funny to use this method of making numbers and have a dog and change it so that these numbers would have a picture of a mongrel next to it. So he did, and thus was born “Dogecoin”, and it was glorious.